So tearful.

I am on the verge of crying right now.

I forgot to take my pass to swimming, wasting a bus fare and an opportunity to exercise which makes me feel really fucking stupid. I need to see my grandparents and I feel so guilty about not having seen them for ages. I also sort of want to kill one of my best friends for being an insensitive bitch.

To top that off, it's 10am and I woke up two hours ago and I'm starving because my mum offered to cook my breakfast and then did it wrong. I've gotten to the point were I'm so hungry I no longer want to eat. I might just go back to bed.

Fuck today, fuck everyday. 

Depression makes one a tiresome bitch.

So today my friend cancelled on me for perfectly legit reasons so in my head I was like "fine, don't see me, don't spend time with me, that's just fucking fine" so I told her I was too busy to see her all week, which is a lie.

Christ, depression and low self-esteem can turn a person into such a bitch. This is basically what I do to everyone actually. If you make me feel like shit a few times and make it known that you would rather hang out with others than me I will slowly delete you out of my life to avoid further heartache. I hope this doesn't become a rule in my life when I'm older...

It's too hot for life!

I'm so sleepy right now, but it's also too hot to go to bed.

Anyway, got two weeks off now! Got some things that I want to do:

1. Clear out my room.
2. Start running again.
3. Sit down and make some decisions.
4. Read a book.
5. Write a song.

Really need to break free right now, but I don't know where from or where to.

Mammoth sleeps and being stroppy.

About an hour and a half I woke up from a huge sleep! Must have been out cold for about 4 and a half hours. I definitely needed it, the exhaustion has been mounting up, perpetuated by exam stress and staying up late revising. I'm so happy I only have another 3 days of this. Crazy really that in 3 days I'll be in year 13 - just a year away from university and probably the most definitive 4/5 years of my life.

Anyway, I've been feeling a wee bit stroppy recently. I'm going to Edinburgh for the first weekend in June and after that decision was made I found out my band had a gig. I'm the singer so I guess I'm easily replaceable as they're playing without me. Awesome. I'm totally fine with that. Don't want give anyone a light bash with their fucking trombone for being so insensitive at all. Feel like I can't ask them not to either. I don't know. I've been wanting to focus on more Irish music anyway, so maybe this next 2 weeks will be the time to think about that. Or maybe I just need to get a grip.

Going to do some relaxing now, then revision. Then sleep. Then more revision. That'll be the cycle 'til Friday then I'm FREE. 

The drugs don't work.

Hope you all appreciate the mega-cheesy title.

With encouragement from my mother and the green light from my therapist, I have come off Citalopram completely. I already feel a little bit better. I mean, I'm still teary a lot and sleeping loads, but I have had a few periods were for a couple of hours I've felt more perky. I'm too exhausted to do any more meds again for a while though - my mind, body and social life have taken a battering.

My mum isn't anti-meds, but I think she's relieved that I'm off them. I woke up after a midday sleep yesterday and she was on the phone to her friend talking about me. She was saying how she loved me and how difficult it was because she can't go out and leave me alone or go away and she's so unsure of how to help me. I cried a wee bit as I listened, it's awful to know how much your misery can affect others. It does make me want to recover a little more, gives me some motivation.

Last night I started a diary, with the hope it'll help me sort things out in my mind, and today, despite a teary and frustrated morning I've done some hard work today and not felt too awful.

After my exams finish I'm going to need to have a think about my life, school next year, whether friendships with people I've not seen and people who have not shown the support I have shown them in similar situations can be salvaged. We'll see, I just need time to breathe.

Can we all just have happiness please.

I just want my friends to stop killing themselves long enough to catch a break and have a chance at getting better. I want mental illness to fuck off into the depths of beyond and stop haunting me. I want some fucking happiness, not just for me but those around me.

I can see so little light in my future right now.