Nerves and small, small steps.

I have been off for the past two weeks, which has been nice. I spent 4 days in Edinburgh, which was a much needed break from reality. Unfortunately, some vile religious sectarianism (FFS, we were supposed to be getting past this shit in the UK) made for some tears, anger and the loss of friendship. Of course, I didn't want this to fuck up my whole holiday, so I soldiered on and made a good time of it. I can't wait to go back and I've only been home a few days!

This week I have not been so social though. I have been spending a lot of time with my aunty, who is also my best friend. A typical day involves hanging about the house a wee bit, going for a run (I've started again!!!) and then heading to her's to eat food, watch Dexter and have a chat. All very relaxed. I've blown off a couple of friends this week but I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty - I deserve time to rest and reflect. I keep having to remind myself that my mind and body are recovering from a vicious 2 months of constant depression, guilt, anxiety and loneliness to the point that some days I wanted to die. That can't be fixed by a long sleep and good food, it runs so much deeper.

Anyway, school starts again next week. This seems to be causing me some anxiety. I don't know if you've ever suffered from restless legs. If you have, you'll know how awful it is and how it can cause existing anxiety to perpetuate. Lying in bed, legs twitching, mind screaming is not a recipe for restful sleep. I had a particularly bad episode last night after getting a text from someone involved in the fall out caused by the sectarian incident and dwelling too much on the return to school. Eventually I put on a meditation tape (yes, I resorted to plain old hippy methods, that's how bad it was!) and listened to that until I drifted off. It helped a lot but I'd rather not have to resort to any methods; I just want to sleep!

Fingers crossed restless legs wont return tonight, if it does I will sob! Tomorrow I have commitments though I'm seriously considering shirking them for the most part. I know that if I do though, I'll be made to feel overwhelmingly guilty, either by myself or by others.

So tearful.

I am on the verge of crying right now.

I forgot to take my pass to swimming, wasting a bus fare and an opportunity to exercise which makes me feel really fucking stupid. I need to see my grandparents and I feel so guilty about not having seen them for ages. I also sort of want to kill one of my best friends for being an insensitive bitch.

To top that off, it's 10am and I woke up two hours ago and I'm starving because my mum offered to cook my breakfast and then did it wrong. I've gotten to the point were I'm so hungry I no longer want to eat. I might just go back to bed.

Fuck today, fuck everyday. 

Depression makes one a tiresome bitch.

So today my friend cancelled on me for perfectly legit reasons so in my head I was like "fine, don't see me, don't spend time with me, that's just fucking fine" so I told her I was too busy to see her all week, which is a lie.

Christ, depression and low self-esteem can turn a person into such a bitch. This is basically what I do to everyone actually. If you make me feel like shit a few times and make it known that you would rather hang out with others than me I will slowly delete you out of my life to avoid further heartache. I hope this doesn't become a rule in my life when I'm older...

It's too hot for life!

I'm so sleepy right now, but it's also too hot to go to bed.

Anyway, got two weeks off now! Got some things that I want to do:

1. Clear out my room.
2. Start running again.
3. Sit down and make some decisions.
4. Read a book.
5. Write a song.

Really need to break free right now, but I don't know where from or where to.

Mammoth sleeps and being stroppy.

About an hour and a half I woke up from a huge sleep! Must have been out cold for about 4 and a half hours. I definitely needed it, the exhaustion has been mounting up, perpetuated by exam stress and staying up late revising. I'm so happy I only have another 3 days of this. Crazy really that in 3 days I'll be in year 13 - just a year away from university and probably the most definitive 4/5 years of my life.

Anyway, I've been feeling a wee bit stroppy recently. I'm going to Edinburgh for the first weekend in June and after that decision was made I found out my band had a gig. I'm the singer so I guess I'm easily replaceable as they're playing without me. Awesome. I'm totally fine with that. Don't want give anyone a light bash with their fucking trombone for being so insensitive at all. Feel like I can't ask them not to either. I don't know. I've been wanting to focus on more Irish music anyway, so maybe this next 2 weeks will be the time to think about that. Or maybe I just need to get a grip.

Going to do some relaxing now, then revision. Then sleep. Then more revision. That'll be the cycle 'til Friday then I'm FREE. 

The drugs don't work.

Hope you all appreciate the mega-cheesy title.

With encouragement from my mother and the green light from my therapist, I have come off Citalopram completely. I already feel a little bit better. I mean, I'm still teary a lot and sleeping loads, but I have had a few periods were for a couple of hours I've felt more perky. I'm too exhausted to do any more meds again for a while though - my mind, body and social life have taken a battering.

My mum isn't anti-meds, but I think she's relieved that I'm off them. I woke up after a midday sleep yesterday and she was on the phone to her friend talking about me. She was saying how she loved me and how difficult it was because she can't go out and leave me alone or go away and she's so unsure of how to help me. I cried a wee bit as I listened, it's awful to know how much your misery can affect others. It does make me want to recover a little more, gives me some motivation.

Last night I started a diary, with the hope it'll help me sort things out in my mind, and today, despite a teary and frustrated morning I've done some hard work today and not felt too awful.

After my exams finish I'm going to need to have a think about my life, school next year, whether friendships with people I've not seen and people who have not shown the support I have shown them in similar situations can be salvaged. We'll see, I just need time to breathe.

Can we all just have happiness please.

I just want my friends to stop killing themselves long enough to catch a break and have a chance at getting better. I want mental illness to fuck off into the depths of beyond and stop haunting me. I want some fucking happiness, not just for me but those around me.

I can see so little light in my future right now.

New diagnosis, same shit.

I have a new psychiatrist (the guy who gives me drugs) and he upped by dosage of Citalopram to 20mg. He said my lack of side effects suggested that the Citalopram hadn't actually been working at all. I think he was right, it is definitely doing something to me now. I'm not sure that I like it.

He also said he suspected that I have something called Dysthymia. It's also called Chronic Depression. I don't really want to go into it too much now, Google can do that, but basically it's depression that lasts years, with little break. The depression isn't as bad with other types of depression, but is relentless. It also causes exhaustion and stuff like that.

And I am exhausted. I have slept 16 hours a day for the past two days, I think recovering from a stressful weekend. I need to sleep again now as well, but also want to go to the supermarket, just for the sake of leaving the house. I should probably go and pester my mum. Fingers crossed I'll feel better by Thursday, so I can actually go in and do some work. I have an exam on Tuesday too. Shit.

I should go. I'm sorry this post is so depressing, but I am depressed, so I suppose I can't really help it.

Lifting Pressure.

I've realised that the great pressure on me is the pressure I put on myself to fit into moulds.

I've been pushing myself to study History, convinced it's the only way into journalism or some other cool job. Truth be told it's been stressing me out. All plans are changing in my mind, I'm determined I will no longer pressure myself too much, but that I will achieve good enough grades to go to university. I need to focus and be motivated without killing myself. Ok. I can do this.

*breathes*

Rollercoaster of a week.

*trigger warning!*
The past 7 days have been really up and down, but mostly down.

Last Tuesday I drank too much and I cut myself with broken glass. My left forearm looked like I'd completely fucked it up but fortunately after just a week it has begun to heal quite well. However, I was very upset that I'd done it in the first place. School the next day was horrible, I just burst into tears and showed the Deputy Head. He was very lovely about it and said some nice things, he also made sure that I got first-aided so the cuts where all dressed up.

When I left his room I saw some friends who were asking me if I was ok, and of course I lied and said I was fine. One friend, whom I have always been closer to, saw the dressing sticking at little bit out of my long-sleeved top, I'm almost sure she did. She said nothing. Only a few people know; certainly not my friends in school, nor my mother.

After school I had a therapy session which was very positive. I talked a lot about craving closure and moving forward. I made a list in colour on a big piece of paper of changes I want to make in my life in order to move forward. I need to pin it up somewhere and start following it. I will when I have a little more energy.

I also discovered my best friend's wee sister in bulimic. This was difficult for two reasons: firstly, she's struggling with depression and this is just another terribly sad thing added to the mix as her wee sister is so lovely. It was not unexpected though, I have to say. Secondly, it was a tiny bit triggering for me, I must admit. Nevertheless, I have kept going and not purged at all this week, which is super.

FINALLY, energy. I need some. Slept a lot yesterday, right through last night and still managed to spend the vast majority of today in bed. Got up this evening and tidied around and went for a run, but can't be going on like this - I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE!!! Not to forget exams to pass and universities to get in to. I'm back in school in a week, so hopefully I can have a week of work.

Sorry for the long post, I've wanted to write about cutting myself all week, but not known how. I think I'll be blogging more often in the next few weeks as it is actually quite therapeutic. 

Then sometimes...

I have anxiety attacks, for no other reason than the fear that I might never get better. So stupid.

Ups and downs and inbetweens.

Had an odd month. There's been stress (due to school and friends stuff, mainly), but also some sort of happiness as the Citalopram has been kicking in and making me feel a bit better.

I'm definitely in more of a place to make decisions about what changes I need in my life, even if I'm not yet ready to make these changes. There are people in my life that it would be healthy for me to have less contact with (though this requires more thought), changes I need to make to my daily routine so I can be more comfortable with myself and maybe I'll even soon be able to make some definite decisions for my future.

Naturally, it hasn't all been plain sailing, I have bad thoughts about hurting myself, and sad thoughts that make me stay in bed all day but they're not so frequent as they used to be.

For now I'm very busy with work ahead of my AS levels (eeeek!) but before I know it'll they'll be over I can bask in the sun whilst doing next years work. I'm hoping to succeed in my exams, especially since school are being supportive - I get extra marks *and* extra time, both of which are necessary and should hopefully help.

Meeting with Deputy Head. Eek.

I'm not in school this morning because I was awake half the night coughing, am a wee bit stressed and feeling exhausted. Also, need to catch up on work. Actually, I should be doing that now.

However, I will be going in this afternoon both for Russian and British History and because I have a meeting with my deputy head about how my mental health is getting worse and it's causing a lot of stress. Basically, I'll be asking what can the school do for me. I'm hoping that it means that I can get an arrangement to increase my exam grades (which I had for my GCSEs) to what I would get if I wasn't going through all this.

Either way, I'm really nervous. Partly because I'm worried he wont take it seriously but mainly because I don't want to cry in front of him.

Fun.

*Breathe*

Can't. Stop. Crying. Usually for no apparent reason. I keep opening the door and just bursting into tears in the safety of my own home. I'm so stressed, paranoid and isolated right now, I can't cope.

How Not To Live Your Life.

This sign is in our bathroom:

'don't move my toothbrush! - anna'

Slightly OCD, I know, but I keep my toothbrush with the brush bit hanging over the edge of the ledge to minimise germs and actually the thought of germs is making me feel panicky and tearful right now.

I came home to find my sign had been disregarded and my toothbrush was in the same glass as the other toothbrushes and razors. I cried. And then called my mum, who laughed at me. I sent her a sweary text message and then apologised and then cried some more. Then I went to bed and cried some more, fell asleep then woke up and cried some more.

I feel better now, I've had dinner and I'm watching TV with my mum and thinking about my plans for this weekend. I hope I don't feel horrible tomorrow - when I'm starting my meds.

Also, feeling a wee bit let down by old friends. Would be nice if they invited me places, told me important things that happened in there life and didn't become best friends with the girls who bullied me out of my last school. Or maybe my standards are just too high? No, fuck off.

New medication.

I've been incredibly up and down recently. Had some devastating lows that just leave me in bed sobbing uncontrollably, and then some days were I don't feel so bad and go out and keep active.

I went to a session with my therapist today, were I also saw a psychiatrist to talk about medication. They've given me a prescription for Cilatropram, which is another SSRI like Prozac, on a strength of 10mg. The prescription is for 2 months worth and if it doesn't work then I've been reassured I can try something else. I'm feeling positive about this, especially since the vast majority of feedback I've received from other people who have tried it has been positive.

They've also booked me in for a blood test
I'll blog about how it goes. Must do work now, had a really long sleep today. *yawns*

Bad Places.

I'm in one right now. I can't look forward to anything, I just want to cry and sleep. I feel so low.

Went to see a guy I know before, met up for a coffee. I was horrible to him really, very cynical and then I just came home and cried. I'm supposed to go to the gym with my mum tonight and I just know I'm going to let her down, and - once again - she will stay home with me instead of going out and living her life.

I feel like I'm holding so many people back from happiness, I feel like such an awful person.

More therapy.

Finally had therapy again today, I swear it's been 6 weeks since I last saw her. Not good. Anyway, she's arranging for me to see a psychiatrist who will talk to me about meds and find out what's really right for me, instead of just giving me 20mg of fluoxetine, so this is pretty good.

Having an alright day today, and G-d did I need it. Things have not been going so well of late. Depression has been super bad, I don't even know how much more I can take before I officially crack. I just want to spend about 80% of time sleeping right now. But I can't because, unfortunately, I have things to do.

Off to the next city soon to speak at a conference. Fuuuun. Nervous.

Guilt and feeling bad.

I feel tired and sick and low and guilty.
I don't know what to do with myself. Not even going to pretend that I'll do work or anything useful or productive I just want to lie down and do absolutely nothing. I can't even listen to the radio or a tape, I don't want to sleep because I have bad dreams. I don't want to live with my mum or my dad or on my own. I don't want to go to school or see friends or stay home or go out.

I seriously need to sort myself out. My therapist needs to get back to me, I need to do work and write my speech for this weekend's conference. Eurgh.

Low.

I've had a stressful, emotionally messy weekend and I feel incredibly low right now.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I have work to do and I've already slept today and there I'm not tired, but I think I just want to sleep for hours and hours and hours.

Fuck.

I think this is good news.

I've cut right back on my medication. I'm supposed to be taking it every other day, but in reality it's more like skip 2 days, take it one. How healthy this will be in the long term I don't know, but already I'm feeling better. I'm having fewer dramatic changes in mood, overall my mood, whilst not great, has been lifted slightly and I actually sat down and did History and French work today.

I don't know what I'm going to do in the long term, realistically I know I need help and to take action beyond counselling for a cure, but for know I just want to get Prozac out of my system.

My goal for the rest of January and February is to stop in sleeping in the day. This will be difficult as it's 7:30pm now and I am exhausted, but determined to stay up until 9:30pm and then I'll probably collapse into bed (sorry T).

Right. More French to do and some English. I should tidy up my room, but I wont.

SMASHED MY GEOGRAPHY A LEVEL TODAY.

The Meds Aren't Ok.

Today the realisation of how my meds are fucking me up came to me.

They give me manic days, or at least manic periods that stretch for hours were I feel a strange sort of great. Not a healthy great though, the sort were you feel like you are too invincible, everything is too exciting and you know that it's not right to feel like that. Manic that can wake me up at 3am thinking it's a great idea to cook or clean or paint but that can end at any moment leaving me at a crashing low were I feel worthless, hopeless and like everything is pretty pointless anyway. I can be away with the fairies one minute and on my bed crying the next. Maybe it's not the meds, just the illness, but either way shouldn't Prozac help with that?

It has drained the motivation out of me. My room is a mess, my school work isn't getting done, socialising is low priority, people have to nag me to do the simplest things.

I sleep all the time. I can have 7 or even 9 hours in a night then top that up with 3 hours in the day, then another 10 hours at night.

Today I was manic this morning, became very depressed, slept, woke up, became manic and I've just crashed again. I'm irritable and pissed off, a world away from how I've spent the past 2 hours feeling.

I don't know what it is but I'm sick of living in this bubble where I don't tell anyone the truth about how I'm feeling, I barely talk to so many people around me and am living in this state of mind that has quickly become normal and acceptable.

Rant over innit.

Good days.

Today has been a good day: went to the gym, bought a bike, saw my dad, ate pasta. My mood is pretty decent. Going the pub tonight, but I'm knackered right now, so probably going to have a wee sleep first. I need to be less tired! Going to start taking multi vitamins again incase it's an iron deficiency type thing.

Off to collapse in my bed.
Happy Saturday.

Hi Stress, fuck off.

Today has been super stressful, I've felt on the verge of an anxiety attack all day. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff. It's so irritating almost, I haven't had one in so long and today I could barely breathe. I think it's the stress of exams, friendship stuff (was amazing and great and super having no one to sit with at lunch today, like most days) and my nan being ill. I hate going to see her because it's so sad seeing her deteriorate and it's a high stress environment, yet I feel guilty for not going.

In the end I didn't do to see her, I'm taking her to the flicks on Sunday to see 'The Artist'.

I need more structure in my life. Also, motivation please.

In good news I'm getting a bicycle. I'm super excited.

Things to do.

I have many, even just tonight. Tidy my room a wee bit, take my medication (need to do this!!!), actually do some work. As ever though I have no motivation to do so.

I wish I had it in me just to be able to sit down and do things without getting anxious about everything I need to do or thinking 'there's no point I'll fail anyway' or other illogical things. I want/need these meds to properly kick in soon; I am feeling a bit better generally, but not to the point where I can live a normal life. Starting to wonder if I ever will, if I'll ever get rid of mental illness. I'm 17 this year, I was diagnosed when I was 8. Nine years man, it's a long fucking time. I know this sounds awful, and I don't want to kill myself because I absolutely know it's not the way out, but I wonder, if I'd have known I'd still be struggling now, would I have ended it all a year or two ago? Obviously, despite all the sickness amazing things have happened to me and I'm glad I haven't, but it is a fucking bore.

This is depressing, isn't it? I'm actually having quite a good day, even though I feel a wee bit sick. Went into school, got through my lessons and I think I'm going to do well with my new History teacher as she seems to push us to work harder - mind, my old one was much more fun!

Ok. Ok. Anna is going to do the following:

1. Drink coffee.
2. Put some "real" clothes on  (or at least get a shower and a clean shirt).
3. Have a late night revision session.
4. Write a list of things to do tomorrow.
5. Start planning for planning my year.

2012 needs to be good. It needs to be happy. It needs to be healthy. HAS TO BE.

Knackered.

I am exhausted and feeling sick after eating too much dark chocolate. Drained, but have had an amazing day, just need some strength innit.

Chipper.

Today has been a good day - minimal stress, no tears, time with friends. Anna is happy.

Despite sleeping through therapy. Oops. 

Streak broken. Again.

I've been stressed these past few days; school and family things have really been getting to me, mainly the latter. This piled up on me today and I spent the morning having what felt like the build up to an anxiety attack. All morning. The attack never came but after feeling really sick after some sort of vegan chocolate-y thing at a café, followed by noodles for tea a few hours later I had an urge to get rid of it and allowed the urge.

Spent a good 20 minutes purging, with a few breaks in between in which I managed to complete a sudoku puzzle (mental).

I feel fine to be honest, purging doesn't emotionally wear me, just feels like something to get on with. At least I hadn't done it for weeks and hopefully wont do it for weeks again.

A *happy* new year please.

I've had a good few days and the new year kicked off well, so I can only hope that this continues.

My medication seems to be settling down so maybe it will work for me. I've heard loads of bad stories about prozac but I'm putting a lot of faith into it.

If it can save me from the anxiety that school puts in me then that's all I ask for really.

However, I think it's having the unfortunate side effect of making me lose my appetite. Whilst for many people (mainly girls my age) this might sound like a dream but it just leaves me feeling dizzy and tired. I know that if I lose the weight I risk either becoming a wee bit obsessed or just ill. Anyone else had this with Fluoxetine?