I have been off for the past two weeks, which has been nice. I spent 4 days in Edinburgh, which was a much needed break from reality. Unfortunately, some vile religious sectarianism (FFS, we were supposed to be getting past this shit in the UK) made for some tears, anger and the loss of friendship. Of course, I didn't want this to fuck up my whole holiday, so I soldiered on and made a good time of it. I can't wait to go back and I've only been home a few days!
This week I have not been so social though. I have been spending a lot of time with my aunty, who is also my best friend. A typical day involves hanging about the house a wee bit, going for a run (I've started again!!!) and then heading to her's to eat food, watch Dexter and have a chat. All very relaxed. I've blown off a couple of friends this week but I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty - I deserve time to rest and reflect. I keep having to remind myself that my mind and body are recovering from a vicious 2 months of constant depression, guilt, anxiety and loneliness to the point that some days I wanted to die. That can't be fixed by a long sleep and good food, it runs so much deeper.
Anyway, school starts again next week. This seems to be causing me some anxiety. I don't know if you've ever suffered from restless legs. If you have, you'll know how awful it is and how it can cause existing anxiety to perpetuate. Lying in bed, legs twitching, mind screaming is not a recipe for restful sleep. I had a particularly bad episode last night after getting a text from someone involved in the fall out caused by the sectarian incident and dwelling too much on the return to school. Eventually I put on a meditation tape (yes, I resorted to plain old hippy methods, that's how bad it was!) and listened to that until I drifted off. It helped a lot but I'd rather not have to resort to any methods; I just want to sleep!
Fingers crossed restless legs wont return tonight, if it does I will sob! Tomorrow I have commitments though I'm seriously considering shirking them for the most part. I know that if I do though, I'll be made to feel overwhelmingly guilty, either by myself or by others.
This week I have not been so social though. I have been spending a lot of time with my aunty, who is also my best friend. A typical day involves hanging about the house a wee bit, going for a run (I've started again!!!) and then heading to her's to eat food, watch Dexter and have a chat. All very relaxed. I've blown off a couple of friends this week but I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty - I deserve time to rest and reflect. I keep having to remind myself that my mind and body are recovering from a vicious 2 months of constant depression, guilt, anxiety and loneliness to the point that some days I wanted to die. That can't be fixed by a long sleep and good food, it runs so much deeper.
Anyway, school starts again next week. This seems to be causing me some anxiety. I don't know if you've ever suffered from restless legs. If you have, you'll know how awful it is and how it can cause existing anxiety to perpetuate. Lying in bed, legs twitching, mind screaming is not a recipe for restful sleep. I had a particularly bad episode last night after getting a text from someone involved in the fall out caused by the sectarian incident and dwelling too much on the return to school. Eventually I put on a meditation tape (yes, I resorted to plain old hippy methods, that's how bad it was!) and listened to that until I drifted off. It helped a lot but I'd rather not have to resort to any methods; I just want to sleep!
Fingers crossed restless legs wont return tonight, if it does I will sob! Tomorrow I have commitments though I'm seriously considering shirking them for the most part. I know that if I do though, I'll be made to feel overwhelmingly guilty, either by myself or by others.
No comments:
Post a Comment