Guilt and feeling bad.

I feel tired and sick and low and guilty.
I don't know what to do with myself. Not even going to pretend that I'll do work or anything useful or productive I just want to lie down and do absolutely nothing. I can't even listen to the radio or a tape, I don't want to sleep because I have bad dreams. I don't want to live with my mum or my dad or on my own. I don't want to go to school or see friends or stay home or go out.

I seriously need to sort myself out. My therapist needs to get back to me, I need to do work and write my speech for this weekend's conference. Eurgh.

Low.

I've had a stressful, emotionally messy weekend and I feel incredibly low right now.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I have work to do and I've already slept today and there I'm not tired, but I think I just want to sleep for hours and hours and hours.

Fuck.

I think this is good news.

I've cut right back on my medication. I'm supposed to be taking it every other day, but in reality it's more like skip 2 days, take it one. How healthy this will be in the long term I don't know, but already I'm feeling better. I'm having fewer dramatic changes in mood, overall my mood, whilst not great, has been lifted slightly and I actually sat down and did History and French work today.

I don't know what I'm going to do in the long term, realistically I know I need help and to take action beyond counselling for a cure, but for know I just want to get Prozac out of my system.

My goal for the rest of January and February is to stop in sleeping in the day. This will be difficult as it's 7:30pm now and I am exhausted, but determined to stay up until 9:30pm and then I'll probably collapse into bed (sorry T).

Right. More French to do and some English. I should tidy up my room, but I wont.

SMASHED MY GEOGRAPHY A LEVEL TODAY.

The Meds Aren't Ok.

Today the realisation of how my meds are fucking me up came to me.

They give me manic days, or at least manic periods that stretch for hours were I feel a strange sort of great. Not a healthy great though, the sort were you feel like you are too invincible, everything is too exciting and you know that it's not right to feel like that. Manic that can wake me up at 3am thinking it's a great idea to cook or clean or paint but that can end at any moment leaving me at a crashing low were I feel worthless, hopeless and like everything is pretty pointless anyway. I can be away with the fairies one minute and on my bed crying the next. Maybe it's not the meds, just the illness, but either way shouldn't Prozac help with that?

It has drained the motivation out of me. My room is a mess, my school work isn't getting done, socialising is low priority, people have to nag me to do the simplest things.

I sleep all the time. I can have 7 or even 9 hours in a night then top that up with 3 hours in the day, then another 10 hours at night.

Today I was manic this morning, became very depressed, slept, woke up, became manic and I've just crashed again. I'm irritable and pissed off, a world away from how I've spent the past 2 hours feeling.

I don't know what it is but I'm sick of living in this bubble where I don't tell anyone the truth about how I'm feeling, I barely talk to so many people around me and am living in this state of mind that has quickly become normal and acceptable.

Rant over innit.

Good days.

Today has been a good day: went to the gym, bought a bike, saw my dad, ate pasta. My mood is pretty decent. Going the pub tonight, but I'm knackered right now, so probably going to have a wee sleep first. I need to be less tired! Going to start taking multi vitamins again incase it's an iron deficiency type thing.

Off to collapse in my bed.
Happy Saturday.

Hi Stress, fuck off.

Today has been super stressful, I've felt on the verge of an anxiety attack all day. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff. It's so irritating almost, I haven't had one in so long and today I could barely breathe. I think it's the stress of exams, friendship stuff (was amazing and great and super having no one to sit with at lunch today, like most days) and my nan being ill. I hate going to see her because it's so sad seeing her deteriorate and it's a high stress environment, yet I feel guilty for not going.

In the end I didn't do to see her, I'm taking her to the flicks on Sunday to see 'The Artist'.

I need more structure in my life. Also, motivation please.

In good news I'm getting a bicycle. I'm super excited.

Things to do.

I have many, even just tonight. Tidy my room a wee bit, take my medication (need to do this!!!), actually do some work. As ever though I have no motivation to do so.

I wish I had it in me just to be able to sit down and do things without getting anxious about everything I need to do or thinking 'there's no point I'll fail anyway' or other illogical things. I want/need these meds to properly kick in soon; I am feeling a bit better generally, but not to the point where I can live a normal life. Starting to wonder if I ever will, if I'll ever get rid of mental illness. I'm 17 this year, I was diagnosed when I was 8. Nine years man, it's a long fucking time. I know this sounds awful, and I don't want to kill myself because I absolutely know it's not the way out, but I wonder, if I'd have known I'd still be struggling now, would I have ended it all a year or two ago? Obviously, despite all the sickness amazing things have happened to me and I'm glad I haven't, but it is a fucking bore.

This is depressing, isn't it? I'm actually having quite a good day, even though I feel a wee bit sick. Went into school, got through my lessons and I think I'm going to do well with my new History teacher as she seems to push us to work harder - mind, my old one was much more fun!

Ok. Ok. Anna is going to do the following:

1. Drink coffee.
2. Put some "real" clothes on  (or at least get a shower and a clean shirt).
3. Have a late night revision session.
4. Write a list of things to do tomorrow.
5. Start planning for planning my year.

2012 needs to be good. It needs to be happy. It needs to be healthy. HAS TO BE.

Knackered.

I am exhausted and feeling sick after eating too much dark chocolate. Drained, but have had an amazing day, just need some strength innit.

Chipper.

Today has been a good day - minimal stress, no tears, time with friends. Anna is happy.

Despite sleeping through therapy. Oops. 

Streak broken. Again.

I've been stressed these past few days; school and family things have really been getting to me, mainly the latter. This piled up on me today and I spent the morning having what felt like the build up to an anxiety attack. All morning. The attack never came but after feeling really sick after some sort of vegan chocolate-y thing at a café, followed by noodles for tea a few hours later I had an urge to get rid of it and allowed the urge.

Spent a good 20 minutes purging, with a few breaks in between in which I managed to complete a sudoku puzzle (mental).

I feel fine to be honest, purging doesn't emotionally wear me, just feels like something to get on with. At least I hadn't done it for weeks and hopefully wont do it for weeks again.

A *happy* new year please.

I've had a good few days and the new year kicked off well, so I can only hope that this continues.

My medication seems to be settling down so maybe it will work for me. I've heard loads of bad stories about prozac but I'm putting a lot of faith into it.

If it can save me from the anxiety that school puts in me then that's all I ask for really.

However, I think it's having the unfortunate side effect of making me lose my appetite. Whilst for many people (mainly girls my age) this might sound like a dream but it just leaves me feeling dizzy and tired. I know that if I lose the weight I risk either becoming a wee bit obsessed or just ill. Anyone else had this with Fluoxetine?