One second of relief and a hundred days of regret.

*trigger warning!*

That's how it feels anyway.
Cut myself for the first time since August the night before last. I was in a real state, really upset and down, felt pretty rock bottom so I got the urge to do it and thought "fuck it, I probably deserve it." So I did it. Only twice, and on the back of my wrists not the front (yey for safety). It didn't bleed much but the scars will be there for about 4 months before they fade well. Oops.

I realised the moment I do it for. I breathe in when I push the blade in and exhale as I pull it across my skin. The second in which I exhale I feel a small rush of relief and numbness at the same time. I can't explain it properly. Obviously after, once I'd pulled myself together, I regretted it immensely and now wish I could go back in time and go downstairs to my mum and tell her I feel a bit off so she could prevent me from doing it. Instead I have to wear long jumpers for the next however long it takes. Well done Anna, fucking brilliant.

Despite having depression my self-esteem isn't usually this low, but the meds are killing me.

Rule #1 of depression.

Lie about your feelings at all times.
When you want to cry you excuse yourself to the toilet.
When you're mad at someone you smile and keep it locked up for months.
When you hate yourself make a throw away comment that can be laughed off.
When you feel so awful you could jump off a cliff lock yourself away in your room and pretend everything is perfect.
When someone asks you if you're ok the only appropriate response is "yes, I'm fine, super in fact."

Because anything else would mean people might actually show they care, and we wouldn't want that now, would we?

Depression takes no days off.

What is not fun: crying on Christmas morning for reasons you're not quite sure of.

Actually, I had an alright day, saw family, ate well, watched the final Harry Potter and didn't feel too bad, but now the excitement of the day has worn off and I feel deflated again. I wish my medication would hurry up and work!

Guilt.

I'm too stressed to be made to feel guilty.
I'm too lacking in a sense of self-worth to sit at a table with someone who has no problem being horrible and insulting towards me.
I'm too lonely to tell people that their actions make me feel lonely because I'm scared of pushing people away further.

I'm not coping.

Can't look forward.

Had a nice if stressful weekend in London. Saw some great friends, had the odd heart-to-heart which felt really comforting and relieving but I'm still massively anxious. I want to scream and rip my hair out.

Had a talk with a friend who is convincing me to apply to Oxford. No way will I get the grades for it, I don't even know if I have the will to live that long, but even if I did get in on the off chance I think it'd actually kill me.

Group meal on Thursday. GREAT, no? NO. I thought it'd be just my small group of best friends but no, apparently, without consultation it's been decided to invite more people who I know and who I find interacting with without getting immensely stressed. You can't uninvite people, can you? And I mightn't see my friend who's moved to the US again before Summer. Difficult.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

also, forgot to take my meds today!

Just back from the Doctors. He needs to check with a senior member of staff to check that I'm good to go regarding Fluoxetine (Prozac) but he thinks it should be ok and I can go and pick up my prescription tomorrow.

He assessed my depression and concluded it was "moderate". In all honesty this surprised me, I thought it'd come out mild but he explained why and I sort of see his point - fucked up sleep patterns, a lack of motivation, immense difficulty concentrating, feelings of hopelessness, harmful/suicidal impulses. My head's been having a bad few weeks. Eurgh.

Can't wait for Summer already, and its not even Christmas yet. I need to breathe and not be stressed and I can't imagine not being so anxious whilst coping with school/work/friends. Though I did have a nice talk with people today, noone I'm close to and not about anything deep.

I'm probably paranoid but I feel like people I'm supposed to be close to keep putting me down. Not everyone, obviously, but sometimes jokes aren't funny, especially not when they're constant. I wish I could lighten up.

The problem with Christmas is...

...calories. Eating disorder wise I'm having the best Christmas I can remember, but even I'm still daunted by the knowledge that this is the month the calories stack up and the pounds pile on.

Every normal person knows this is, well, normal. A couple of pounds wont make you fat and can easily be shed with some activity and sensible eating in January.

Alternatively I could just purge out all the calories, abuse laxatives and spend Christmas night walking up and down the stairs 100, 200, 300 times.

But let's hope I adopt the former, yeah?

When your friend also has a mental illness...

...it is still really difficult to find the right words. Maybe because you know just how much saying the right thing matters, maybe because your empathy with them means you know there are no right words, maybe because you know that no matter how much empathy you have with them you can never truly know what they're feeling.

I hate seeing people having a bad day, especially when I'm having a good day. Sometimes it makes me frustrated   ('why are you ruining my good mood? I need to savour this!), but usually it just makes me feel determined to have more good days because I don't want people to see me be so inconsolably miserable.

The person in question is one of my best friends, I love him so much. Fortunately this means I know him, I can go some way to making his bad mood bearable, even if I can't make it good.

I just want to demonstrate there is a lot of variables that make a mental illness, and the strong emotion they bring - all sufferers are different, all sufferers' variables are set differently. 

Jovial is not something I feel often.

But yesterday was a good day. I felt cheery, actually went out in the evening (just to the Occupy camp, nowhere fancy) and saw a friend who I've been sort-of arguing with and I think I've ironed things out there - we had a nice evening anyway.

Today I feel a bit flat and am lacking motivation to do anything, but I've made plans for this evening with two friends and in the day I might head down to the social centre to do some work and engage in small talk. Does this sound daunting to a normal person? I'm feeling anxious about it.

Therapy.

Had a fairly good session, discussed a few things.
e,g,

• How I am lonely. Many of my friends have left for other schools/countries. I'm close to one or two people left now, and everyone is perfectly lovely, but I'm having trouble telling people how I feel, for fear that they wont care or wont know how to deal with it. I no longer feel I have people around me regularly I'm comfortable talking to about my problems whenever I need to.
• I am struggling dealing with my anxiety. Methods to contain it that have previously worked are becoming more and more ineffective.
• I am struggling to look forward to next year.
• I need to discuss problems I'm facing with people who can support me both emotionally and practically.

We talked about other things too, it was a helpful session and I felt lifted coming out of it.

But in other news...

After that morbidly depressing post...

I got a call from my doctor last week telling me my therapist was virtually uncontactable, meaning I have yet to get the medication I need. He's made multiple attempts to contact her and she hasn't gotten back to him. Eurgh. I really like her, but I'll be broaching the subject when I see her next. I also have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to move forward in getting what I need.

I am seeing my therapist either tomorrow or Friday. I can't remember which, but this week anyway. I have plenty to tell her and I've been feeling very anxious and depressed recently, more so than usual. I want to isolate myself more, I've been taking everything a lot more personally, I've made some decisions that were stupid, that I think I regret and that I don't really know how to deal with. Unfortunately they're decisions I'm finding difficult to discuss with people because I don't want to feel stupid and I think people don't care about my problems.

I was feeling really ill today so I stayed off school, so I haven't left the house or had interaction with anyone but my mum. If I'm honest, I don't mind that, she's probably the only person I feel at ease with right now.

I am not enough.

I do not feel like I am enough. I'm not good enough. I don't work hard enough. I'm not nice enough. I don't relax enough. I don't prioritise enough. I don't tell people how I feel enough. I'm not honest enough. I'm not tactful enough.

I don't do enough for my family, my friends or my future.

I want to be enough.