Better then worse.

I got better. Actually better. Functioning better and happy better and all the sorts of better. I dealt with shit and it was ok and I was normal but now I feel like I'm going down hill again.

I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm skipping 6th form to sleep and when I go to 6th form I don't really do much except bits of work because I don't really have many friends there anymore.

I've been having flashbacks and I don't see that there's any way to make them stop but they're so painful.

I want to make plans and put together a programme or something to focus on and follow to the letter but I just can't believe that anything will make me feel ok and healthy right now. It's not like I've returned to a "dark place" because I feel that that sounds like I've changed myself and returned to unhealthy behaviour or something, but I haven't.

*sighs*
So, this is depressing... I'm going to do exercise soon-ish. Hopefully I'll feel better but I'm totally expecting to feel the same. Ah, pessimism.

Nerves and small, small steps.

I have been off for the past two weeks, which has been nice. I spent 4 days in Edinburgh, which was a much needed break from reality. Unfortunately, some vile religious sectarianism (FFS, we were supposed to be getting past this shit in the UK) made for some tears, anger and the loss of friendship. Of course, I didn't want this to fuck up my whole holiday, so I soldiered on and made a good time of it. I can't wait to go back and I've only been home a few days!

This week I have not been so social though. I have been spending a lot of time with my aunty, who is also my best friend. A typical day involves hanging about the house a wee bit, going for a run (I've started again!!!) and then heading to her's to eat food, watch Dexter and have a chat. All very relaxed. I've blown off a couple of friends this week but I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty - I deserve time to rest and reflect. I keep having to remind myself that my mind and body are recovering from a vicious 2 months of constant depression, guilt, anxiety and loneliness to the point that some days I wanted to die. That can't be fixed by a long sleep and good food, it runs so much deeper.

Anyway, school starts again next week. This seems to be causing me some anxiety. I don't know if you've ever suffered from restless legs. If you have, you'll know how awful it is and how it can cause existing anxiety to perpetuate. Lying in bed, legs twitching, mind screaming is not a recipe for restful sleep. I had a particularly bad episode last night after getting a text from someone involved in the fall out caused by the sectarian incident and dwelling too much on the return to school. Eventually I put on a meditation tape (yes, I resorted to plain old hippy methods, that's how bad it was!) and listened to that until I drifted off. It helped a lot but I'd rather not have to resort to any methods; I just want to sleep!

Fingers crossed restless legs wont return tonight, if it does I will sob! Tomorrow I have commitments though I'm seriously considering shirking them for the most part. I know that if I do though, I'll be made to feel overwhelmingly guilty, either by myself or by others.

So tearful.

I am on the verge of crying right now.

I forgot to take my pass to swimming, wasting a bus fare and an opportunity to exercise which makes me feel really fucking stupid. I need to see my grandparents and I feel so guilty about not having seen them for ages. I also sort of want to kill one of my best friends for being an insensitive bitch.

To top that off, it's 10am and I woke up two hours ago and I'm starving because my mum offered to cook my breakfast and then did it wrong. I've gotten to the point were I'm so hungry I no longer want to eat. I might just go back to bed.

Fuck today, fuck everyday. 

Depression makes one a tiresome bitch.

So today my friend cancelled on me for perfectly legit reasons so in my head I was like "fine, don't see me, don't spend time with me, that's just fucking fine" so I told her I was too busy to see her all week, which is a lie.

Christ, depression and low self-esteem can turn a person into such a bitch. This is basically what I do to everyone actually. If you make me feel like shit a few times and make it known that you would rather hang out with others than me I will slowly delete you out of my life to avoid further heartache. I hope this doesn't become a rule in my life when I'm older...

It's too hot for life!

I'm so sleepy right now, but it's also too hot to go to bed.

Anyway, got two weeks off now! Got some things that I want to do:

1. Clear out my room.
2. Start running again.
3. Sit down and make some decisions.
4. Read a book.
5. Write a song.

Really need to break free right now, but I don't know where from or where to.

Mammoth sleeps and being stroppy.

About an hour and a half I woke up from a huge sleep! Must have been out cold for about 4 and a half hours. I definitely needed it, the exhaustion has been mounting up, perpetuated by exam stress and staying up late revising. I'm so happy I only have another 3 days of this. Crazy really that in 3 days I'll be in year 13 - just a year away from university and probably the most definitive 4/5 years of my life.

Anyway, I've been feeling a wee bit stroppy recently. I'm going to Edinburgh for the first weekend in June and after that decision was made I found out my band had a gig. I'm the singer so I guess I'm easily replaceable as they're playing without me. Awesome. I'm totally fine with that. Don't want give anyone a light bash with their fucking trombone for being so insensitive at all. Feel like I can't ask them not to either. I don't know. I've been wanting to focus on more Irish music anyway, so maybe this next 2 weeks will be the time to think about that. Or maybe I just need to get a grip.

Going to do some relaxing now, then revision. Then sleep. Then more revision. That'll be the cycle 'til Friday then I'm FREE. 

The drugs don't work.

Hope you all appreciate the mega-cheesy title.

With encouragement from my mother and the green light from my therapist, I have come off Citalopram completely. I already feel a little bit better. I mean, I'm still teary a lot and sleeping loads, but I have had a few periods were for a couple of hours I've felt more perky. I'm too exhausted to do any more meds again for a while though - my mind, body and social life have taken a battering.

My mum isn't anti-meds, but I think she's relieved that I'm off them. I woke up after a midday sleep yesterday and she was on the phone to her friend talking about me. She was saying how she loved me and how difficult it was because she can't go out and leave me alone or go away and she's so unsure of how to help me. I cried a wee bit as I listened, it's awful to know how much your misery can affect others. It does make me want to recover a little more, gives me some motivation.

Last night I started a diary, with the hope it'll help me sort things out in my mind, and today, despite a teary and frustrated morning I've done some hard work today and not felt too awful.

After my exams finish I'm going to need to have a think about my life, school next year, whether friendships with people I've not seen and people who have not shown the support I have shown them in similar situations can be salvaged. We'll see, I just need time to breathe.