Mental illness and education don't mix.

Depression is not an illness that puts the get-up-and-go in you, and sometimes I wonder if ADD is my problem, not anxiety. I've been having increasing difficulty getting school work done. I feel so lazy but sometimes I'll sit for an hour writing little more than a few sentences when I need to get an essay done so I can move on. The whole education system has never really worked for me even though school is nice enough at the moment, if not a little lonely.

As you move up through the system support becomes more and more scarce, and although I expect nothing else it'd be nice if I knew where I was going in all this. I know how it's supposed to be. Get amazing A-Levels, go to University, work for a few years, maybe do a Masters... but I feel so lost on a path that is supposed to be straight-forward. 

Maybe it's not school, maybe it's just adolescence. One of my best friends is killing herself and it wracks me with guilt, another is falling fast into depression and I'm still angry at her for past mistakes, another is irritable and has me wanting to kill her one half the time and just go crazy the other, another finding herself a continent away, another just so...normal. I don't feel I have solid friends at school as everyone is emigrating to new countries, schools or friendship groups and so I'm giving everyone a final push, determined to be alone rather than with people I've convinced myself can only love me with half-a-heart. It's delusional. It's depression.

I want to leave, get on my own path NOW, not when the system tells me it's right (a system that seems determined to fuck me over) but everything is against me. Damn. Nothing is safe.

I'm finally seeing my therapist tomorrow. Our last appointment was cancelled as she had an emergency. What to do, what to do. What to say. I feel lonely. 

Difficult sessions.

For the most part I look forward to going to therapy. I have a really good relationship with my therapist and although there's only so much she can do for me it definitely helps to have a release and get advice on how to cope, particularly with my anxiety.

But last session was really hard, there were tears and I got a lot of heavy emotions out. She's calling a family review with my mother. I'm anxious. Although I love my mother I wasn't very nice about her at my last session and I'm worried it'll be a highly tense session with confrontation that wont get us anywhere. Although my mother and I have a good relationship she refuses to discuss some of the issues I have and is clearly furious at me each time I purge, and, to be honest, although the bulimia isn't her fault I wonder if I'd still be suffering if she'd offered her support. I don't know. Who knows about anything?!

I've been very anxious, depressed but purging less than usual.