*Breathe*

Can't. Stop. Crying. Usually for no apparent reason. I keep opening the door and just bursting into tears in the safety of my own home. I'm so stressed, paranoid and isolated right now, I can't cope.

How Not To Live Your Life.

This sign is in our bathroom:

'don't move my toothbrush! - anna'

Slightly OCD, I know, but I keep my toothbrush with the brush bit hanging over the edge of the ledge to minimise germs and actually the thought of germs is making me feel panicky and tearful right now.

I came home to find my sign had been disregarded and my toothbrush was in the same glass as the other toothbrushes and razors. I cried. And then called my mum, who laughed at me. I sent her a sweary text message and then apologised and then cried some more. Then I went to bed and cried some more, fell asleep then woke up and cried some more.

I feel better now, I've had dinner and I'm watching TV with my mum and thinking about my plans for this weekend. I hope I don't feel horrible tomorrow - when I'm starting my meds.

Also, feeling a wee bit let down by old friends. Would be nice if they invited me places, told me important things that happened in there life and didn't become best friends with the girls who bullied me out of my last school. Or maybe my standards are just too high? No, fuck off.

New medication.

I've been incredibly up and down recently. Had some devastating lows that just leave me in bed sobbing uncontrollably, and then some days were I don't feel so bad and go out and keep active.

I went to a session with my therapist today, were I also saw a psychiatrist to talk about medication. They've given me a prescription for Cilatropram, which is another SSRI like Prozac, on a strength of 10mg. The prescription is for 2 months worth and if it doesn't work then I've been reassured I can try something else. I'm feeling positive about this, especially since the vast majority of feedback I've received from other people who have tried it has been positive.

They've also booked me in for a blood test
I'll blog about how it goes. Must do work now, had a really long sleep today. *yawns*

Bad Places.

I'm in one right now. I can't look forward to anything, I just want to cry and sleep. I feel so low.

Went to see a guy I know before, met up for a coffee. I was horrible to him really, very cynical and then I just came home and cried. I'm supposed to go to the gym with my mum tonight and I just know I'm going to let her down, and - once again - she will stay home with me instead of going out and living her life.

I feel like I'm holding so many people back from happiness, I feel like such an awful person.

More therapy.

Finally had therapy again today, I swear it's been 6 weeks since I last saw her. Not good. Anyway, she's arranging for me to see a psychiatrist who will talk to me about meds and find out what's really right for me, instead of just giving me 20mg of fluoxetine, so this is pretty good.

Having an alright day today, and G-d did I need it. Things have not been going so well of late. Depression has been super bad, I don't even know how much more I can take before I officially crack. I just want to spend about 80% of time sleeping right now. But I can't because, unfortunately, I have things to do.

Off to the next city soon to speak at a conference. Fuuuun. Nervous.