New diagnosis, same shit.

I have a new psychiatrist (the guy who gives me drugs) and he upped by dosage of Citalopram to 20mg. He said my lack of side effects suggested that the Citalopram hadn't actually been working at all. I think he was right, it is definitely doing something to me now. I'm not sure that I like it.

He also said he suspected that I have something called Dysthymia. It's also called Chronic Depression. I don't really want to go into it too much now, Google can do that, but basically it's depression that lasts years, with little break. The depression isn't as bad with other types of depression, but is relentless. It also causes exhaustion and stuff like that.

And I am exhausted. I have slept 16 hours a day for the past two days, I think recovering from a stressful weekend. I need to sleep again now as well, but also want to go to the supermarket, just for the sake of leaving the house. I should probably go and pester my mum. Fingers crossed I'll feel better by Thursday, so I can actually go in and do some work. I have an exam on Tuesday too. Shit.

I should go. I'm sorry this post is so depressing, but I am depressed, so I suppose I can't really help it.

Lifting Pressure.

I've realised that the great pressure on me is the pressure I put on myself to fit into moulds.

I've been pushing myself to study History, convinced it's the only way into journalism or some other cool job. Truth be told it's been stressing me out. All plans are changing in my mind, I'm determined I will no longer pressure myself too much, but that I will achieve good enough grades to go to university. I need to focus and be motivated without killing myself. Ok. I can do this.

*breathes*

Rollercoaster of a week.

*trigger warning!*
The past 7 days have been really up and down, but mostly down.

Last Tuesday I drank too much and I cut myself with broken glass. My left forearm looked like I'd completely fucked it up but fortunately after just a week it has begun to heal quite well. However, I was very upset that I'd done it in the first place. School the next day was horrible, I just burst into tears and showed the Deputy Head. He was very lovely about it and said some nice things, he also made sure that I got first-aided so the cuts where all dressed up.

When I left his room I saw some friends who were asking me if I was ok, and of course I lied and said I was fine. One friend, whom I have always been closer to, saw the dressing sticking at little bit out of my long-sleeved top, I'm almost sure she did. She said nothing. Only a few people know; certainly not my friends in school, nor my mother.

After school I had a therapy session which was very positive. I talked a lot about craving closure and moving forward. I made a list in colour on a big piece of paper of changes I want to make in my life in order to move forward. I need to pin it up somewhere and start following it. I will when I have a little more energy.

I also discovered my best friend's wee sister in bulimic. This was difficult for two reasons: firstly, she's struggling with depression and this is just another terribly sad thing added to the mix as her wee sister is so lovely. It was not unexpected though, I have to say. Secondly, it was a tiny bit triggering for me, I must admit. Nevertheless, I have kept going and not purged at all this week, which is super.

FINALLY, energy. I need some. Slept a lot yesterday, right through last night and still managed to spend the vast majority of today in bed. Got up this evening and tidied around and went for a run, but can't be going on like this - I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE!!! Not to forget exams to pass and universities to get in to. I'm back in school in a week, so hopefully I can have a week of work.

Sorry for the long post, I've wanted to write about cutting myself all week, but not known how. I think I'll be blogging more often in the next few weeks as it is actually quite therapeutic. 

Then sometimes...

I have anxiety attacks, for no other reason than the fear that I might never get better. So stupid.

Ups and downs and inbetweens.

Had an odd month. There's been stress (due to school and friends stuff, mainly), but also some sort of happiness as the Citalopram has been kicking in and making me feel a bit better.

I'm definitely in more of a place to make decisions about what changes I need in my life, even if I'm not yet ready to make these changes. There are people in my life that it would be healthy for me to have less contact with (though this requires more thought), changes I need to make to my daily routine so I can be more comfortable with myself and maybe I'll even soon be able to make some definite decisions for my future.

Naturally, it hasn't all been plain sailing, I have bad thoughts about hurting myself, and sad thoughts that make me stay in bed all day but they're not so frequent as they used to be.

For now I'm very busy with work ahead of my AS levels (eeeek!) but before I know it'll they'll be over I can bask in the sun whilst doing next years work. I'm hoping to succeed in my exams, especially since school are being supportive - I get extra marks *and* extra time, both of which are necessary and should hopefully help.